A Dog’s Laugh
by Danny

My name is Danny, and I am a Golden Retriever. Goldens have a wonderful sense of humor, although humans aren’t always so appreciative of this gift. But then, often enough, we don’t exactly understand their idea of humor either.

There are times when they think things are funny that I can’t figure out in the least. Take this business about laps. There are two of these little tiny dogs, little shrimps under 10 pounds each, that live in my house. When these two jump into a person’s lap, it’s "Isn’t he sweet? Isn’t he cute?" I don’t see it.

When I take my turn and climb into somebody’s lap, everyone just nearly dies laughing. Well, what’s so funny about me sitting in the old man’s lap when he’s in his rocking chair? I’m a lap dog, too, you know.

And what about greetings? There’s a certain method in my greetings to people, and half the time everyone laughs at it and the other half they get annoyed. I don’t understand either reaction.

I was always taught that when a member of your human family or some other human you know well, not a stranger, comes into the room, you must show great enthusiasm. A well-trained Golden must stand up, grab a toy and circle the human for an extended period. While circling, wagging of the tail, wiggling of the body and certain whines and grunts of joy are required.

Why this proper demonstration of welcome should give these humans such alternate annoyance and guffaws of laughter is beyond me.

Now for funny, you have to get into this ball-playing stuff. People have this idea that all a dog wants to do is run back and forth over the same ground, time after time, chasing down a tennis ball and bringing it back.

That may be fine for some of those less brilliant breeds, but for me, it gets a bit dull, so I try to liven things up. I decided one day to invent a new game. I run off with the ball, and when I’m pretty sure no one’s watching, I drop it. But I drop it as I keep trotting off, so even if they are watching, they usually don’t see it.

Next, I hide under a bush and wait. This is the good part. Those humans go wandering all over the place trying to find where that ball is so they can kick it to me (it must be kicked, not thrown). However, those balls get pretty dingy after a while, and the people have trouble finding them because they use their eyes. If they’d only use their noses, it wouldn’t be anywhere near so hard. But then it wouldn’t be so funny.

I lie at ease under the bush and watch the show. They look all over the ground, saying, "Danny, I can’t find it. Danny, where is the ball?" And all along, I know right where it is, but I’m not telling! Sometimes, I even look away from the ball, and they think I’m looking at it! That gets them really confused. Good joke, huh?

Lots of times, I put the ball only a few feet from where I am. Then, when they find it and get near it, I dash out and grab it away right out from under their noses. That one really kills me!

I also make them kick the ball just where I want it. I have certain rules about this, and you should see the looks on their faces when it goes outside my boundaries and I don’t go get it. It’s hilarious! I just lie there in my hiding place and watch the ball go by, and they get so disgusted! “What was wrong with that? That was a good kick.�? Hey, it’s my game, they have to play by my rules.

They just refuse to understand that what I say goes. For instance, every evening we have to go outside to take care of the usual things for the last time of the day. Those little dogs just run out and get things over with right away, like good little boys. Makes me ill.

I can’t see why anyone should wake me up out of a sound sleep, drag me off of my sofa, and expect me to run out and run right back in. If you’re going to yank me outside at that time of night, I deserve to enjoy it a bit. Especially since all the rest of the day, it’s "Danny, will you just lie down?" Then, when I lie down at the end of the day, they come and wake me up.

So, every night, I wander a bit. If I smell a particularly nice aroma, I slide down into a nice roll in the grass. If it’s a nice night, I may lie on my back awhile and gaze at the stars. After all that rolling, I generally have to shake off the excess grass, and I might have to scratch a bit.

Just like with my greetings, sometimes this is all very amusing and sometimes they just get exasperated. "Danny, will you please just get done so we can go back inside. I don’t want to stay out here all night." But other times, it’s a big laugh. What’s funny? And why not stay out awhile? Wake me up just to take care of business? Once I’m up, I deserve some time to loaf around.

They probably think I don’t know, but they call me goofy and goony. What’s so goony? I’m a lap dog, I sit in laps. I’m a retriever, I hide under bushes and wait for people to get the ball and kick it. Where’s the goony part?

After all, I can always get the last laugh. As I wait in great patience under a bush, who is it who wanders all around over the same ground, looking and looking for a dirty old tennis ball that’s right by my front paw the whole time?